It's not unusual for parents to feel overwhelmed by the demands their children may be making for all the latest in toys and gifts. The holiday season is a time of massive amounts of advertising, a great deal of it aimed at our children. Few parents are able or willing to say "yes" to all the toy requests their children may present, but if you approach it correctly, saying "no" doesn't have to make you feel like a Scrooge.
The holidays can make all of us feel like "kids" again. It's mostly a happy time, but also a season with heavy doses of marketing pressure. As adults we're able to control the impulses brought on by all those "buy stuff now!" ads, but our children face the same tidal wave of advertising without the experience to help temper the desires the ads create.
There are real reasons why the latest, heavily advertised toys can seem so appealing to our kids. It's a normal part of development for children to fantasize and jump from reality to a make-believe world with ease.  Watch small children dressing up or acting out elaborate games and you can see how real those fantasy worlds can be for a child.
This ability to engage in fantasies is also why all the newest and "hottest" toys can seem so appealing. Children can easily dream about owning that exciting new game or toy, something they can imagine playing and sharing with friends, and maybe even be envied for owning.
These childhood dreams can be very strong during the gift-giving season, and when we have to let our kids down and say "no" to the latest requests it can leave us feeling like we're bad parents. This, however, may be an emotional reaction, but not a realistic evaluation.   
As a parent there may be legitimate reasons why agreeing to a child's demands simply isn't practical, or desirable, or maybe even possible. While those reasons may make sense for you, for the child looking to fulfill his or her fantasy, your adult reality has little or no meaning.
Our normal parental response to a child's over-the-top request, or "demand," might be something like, "No, that toy is simply too expensive." Such a response often will lead to escalated tension that makes the child cling even harder to the fantasy of how wonderful it could be and how you just don't understand.
Instead, it often works better to allow the child to hold on to and enjoy the fantasy. Respond by showing you understand how wonderful and fun it might be to have that toy. Don't resist the fantasy, but give your child the time to return to reality at his or her own pace. Save the discussion of why the toy is not a good decision for a calmer time when the fantasy is not as strong.
Adapted from the American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog

As a new school year begins many families reorganize their daily patterns.  Here are some ideas you can use to rethink schedules, chores and general discipline.
Getting children to do their chores does not make you a bad person.
When it comes to assigning children family chores, virtually all parents think it's a great idea.  But many  also find it can be a big hassle to get them to actually do the assigned work.
Yes, it may sometimes seem easier to just take out that bag of trash yourself than to get into a big argument with the children over whose turn it is, or why that simple job can't be done now. But what the experts advise is not to let such household responsibilities slide.
Having  your children do assigned chores can be an important factor in helping them develop in positive ways. Chores are a way for children to feel part of the family, and to gain a sense of contributing toward the family good. These early life lessons make it easier for a person to feel like an active, contributing member of society later in life.
Chores are also a means for learning about responsibility and meeting expectations, skills necessary for success in school and the workplace.  They may involve simple activities, like making a bed daily or helping with the family pet, but the lessons derived from successfully completing family chores carry over into later life.
Getting chores completed successfully, however, does require  planning and work on the part of parents.

• Make assignments that are appropriate for a child’s age and abilities so successful completion and positive experiences are most likely.
• Keep your expectations reasonable. If you are a perfectionist and criticize how every chore is done, you're setting your child up for failure, unable to meet your expectations. 
• Set realistic, attainable goals. Don't let children get away with little or no effort since that is teaching them to have their own low expectations and to question their abilities to do good work.
• Talk to your children about setting up a chore system.  Clearly explain responsibilities and what constitutes successful completion of a task. 
• Show them how to do the chore along with you, step-by-step, several times before expecting them to work on their own. 
• Develop rewards for work well done.  Ask your children what rewards would motivate them.
• Take the time to monitor chore activities and to offer honest praise for carrying out assigned tasks successfully.
• Evaluate the chore system periodically, rotate chores among children, reteach the proper sequence of work and model the level of effort.

Starting a child early in life to accept chores and do them well builds self-esteem and helps develop stronger life skills.
Here are some interesting articles from The New York Times, "Happy Children Do Chores", another one about providing motivation for children beyond rewards and punishments and one about not yelling.
Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

Disappointment comes to everyone. Adults have learned through repeated exposure that when people or activities may sometimes let us down, we can keep such things in perspective and find ways to overcome our dashed hopes.
But for children, disappointment can come in numerous forms. Even a seemingly minor hurt can often seem like such a complete disaster that the child truly has a difficult time accepting and dealing with it. And, in many cases, such as when a beloved pet dies or a close friend moves away, the hurt can be very real and deep and won't disappear easily.
While responding to childhood disappointments can seem difficult, there are good ways to do it. 
You can make a child feel less sad, avoid more serious emotional issues, and, when you respond well, help open communication that can strengthen the child/parent/teacher relationship.
How do you begin to respond to a child's disappointment?

• Listening is step one. Don't minimize or discount the story your child has to tell, even if it seems trivial to you. It's very real to your child, and a responses such as, "That's no big deal," or, "You'll forget about it by tomorrow," or, "Big boys don't cry," only serve to convince your child that the feelings are invalid; that you don't really understand or even care.
• Don't hurry in with a pleasant experience or reward to make the hurt go away. This can establish flawed coping patterns that carry over into adulthood and can present very real future problems.
• Talk "with" your child, rather than "to" her or him . Don't begin an interrogation when something seems wrong but instead tell him or her in a gentle way that you've noticed they're unhappy and encourage them to tell you what has happened.
• Don't be judgmental about what is being reported but instead offer sympathy and understanding. Let your child know you empathize because you've suffered your own disappointments. Don't try to top your child's story, but instead listen and sympathize. Just being able to share can do much to minimize the hurt.

In some cases, being a good listener may not be enough. If you notice a persistent change in behavior over time, and if your child is refusing to talk about what's wrong, it may be appropriate to seek help from a trained professional counselor who specializes in childhood issues. Your child's school counselor is always a good place to start.
​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

It doesn't always have to be a teen vs. parent fight.  Parents and teenagers are always going to disagree about some things. It's simply the nature of the beast.
You, as the parent, are the half of the relationship with experience, who knows the limits, who wants to protect your child and who hopes to help guide him or her in positive ways.
Your teenager is the half of the relationship who is not only dealing with physical and emotional changes, peer pressure, and the normal developmental growth of desiring more independence, but who has to also put up with all the rules, "those totally unfair rules", that you, the parent tend, to impose.
Yes, some conflict between parent and teen is inevitable, but there are things you can do to minimize the disagreements.

• Start by remembering that you are the adult. Stay in control. Your teen may be trying to act grown-up, but often realizes deep down that protection and guidance are needed. Children want to be reassured that their parents are still in control, helping to guide the teen's life and development.
• Most importantly, learn to listen! It’s easy to be the busy adult, ignoring or misunderstanding your child. Instead, remember your own teen years and try to understand what your child is feeling and trying to communicate.  Really listening to your child, understanding and respecting what is being expressed without being judgmental, can help strengthen and improve overall communication.
• You also want to set limits, but limits with options. Your teens may argue, but they also understand that there are always limits to what is allowed. Instead of being a dictator, offer options whenever possible that keep things within limits but do allow your teen some freedoms. Choices are important to a growing teen, even if sometimes the wrong choice might be made.
• You also want to build a relationship with your teen, not one where you are your teen's best friend, but rather one as an adult who can be depended upon and trusted. Get to know your child, his or her friends, interests and feelings. Let your child know that as an adult you have your own feelings, values and rights.

As teens move toward adulthood there will always be some conflicts and disagreements. But by respecting your child's growing maturity and independence, and showing you're aware of those changes, you can help build a more positive relationship for both of you.
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Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.
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