People use three basic responses to conflict.  Fight, Submit, Flee.  These can be used creatively but sometimes we get stuck in using just one strategy; become rigid and defensive and feel trapped and powerless.  There is a fourth strategy, Resolution which can be learned and is mutually beneficial.

• Fight: "I'm right, you're wrong."  Fighting is trying to impose your preferred solution or opinion onto another by insisting, blaming, criticizing, accusing, shouting, or using force.  OR you can calmly stand up for your own rights and beliefs by using appropriate measures such as your words in direct "I" statements.  "I feel..., I think..., I need..., I want...".
• Submit:  "I'm wrong, you're right."  You can yield by lowering your expectations and settling for less by giving in, giving up, agreeing to just end the conflict or surrendering to what the other person wants.  OR you can calmly stand up for your own rights and beliefs by using appropriate measures such as your words in direct "I" statements.  There are times when you are wrong and it's appropriate to admit it.  There are also times when faced with a more powerful force submission may be appropriate.
• Flee:  "I don't care who is right, I'm gone."  You can withdraw by ceasing to talk, retreating to your own thoughts, leaving emotionally, changing the topic, physically leaving the scene.  OR you can calmly stand up for your own rights and beliefs by using appropriate measures such as your words in direct "I" statements.  When emotion goes up, cognition goes down and it's sometimes useful to leave a heated discussion and take a time-out to let emotions subside, to organize thoughts, formulate "I" statements, "I feel..., I think..., I need..., I want...".   Then return to the discussion, calmly, with clarity.  
• Resolution:  "We both have a piece of the truth.  Let's work it out."  We can learn to listen to each other, to state our feelings, thoughts, needs and desires and to hear those from another person.  With mutual respect, listening and talking, and expressing our feelings using "I" statements we can remain in the struggle long enough to digest what's happened, problem-solve, and pursue alternatives that satisfy both and come up with solutions.

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​Sadness that won’t go away, episodes of crying, dwelling on bad feelings. All of those familiar mood-disorder symptoms are common in women with depression — but not so much in men.
“When men are depressed, they may be less likely to express sadness and more likely to express anger, irritability and aggression,” says clinical psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD.
Other signs of depression in men can include:

• Impulsivity
• Apathy
• Low self-esteem
• Blaming others (Depressed women more often blame themselves.)
• Isolation from others
• Increased focus on work
• Needing to feel in control
• Substance abuse
• Gambling
• Risky sexual behavior

All of these signs can be cover-ups for sadness.
Men and women also may share some basic depressive symptoms, like low energy, poor concentration and lost interest in activities they used to enjoy says.
Not all drops in mood are depression. Common sadness or irritability is usually temporary and triggered by something specific. Depression may have no clear trigger. And symptoms seem to take over your life (emotionally and physically), for two weeks or longer.
The effect on a man’s body
The thing about a mood disorder is that it’s not just an emotional problem. It can have physical effects too.
In women, depression can present as panic attacks or eating problems. Men, however, are more likely to complain of headaches, digestive problems or other physical aches and pains, says. They may have trouble sleeping or eating — or sleep or eat too much.
They also may have decreased sex drive and trouble performing in the bedroom.
It’s often easier for men to see a doctor for their physical issues than emotional ones. They may be less willing than women to talk about emotional issues or less likely to realize their physical symptoms are depression.
How to treat male depression
Men who may be depressed should start by seeing their primary care provider, who can rule out other health conditions and discuss ways to treat depression. Usually depression is treated with psychotherapy, medication or both.
Therapy can help patients uncover and change unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that could be contributing to depression. Sometimes it includes finding new ways of dealing with interpersonal conflict or other problems.
Antidepressants treat depression well, but can take several weeks to work fully. Symptoms may lift slowly and gradually.
There are dozens of safe and effective antidepressants available, but they don’t work the same in everyone. It may take more than one try for you and your doctor to find the right antidepressant for you.
What to do if a man is depressed
Many men won’t seek medical care for depression on their own. They may need encouragement from family or friends who’ve noticed a change in their ability to work, interact with others or function in everyday life.
If you think the man in your life may be depressed, here’s how you can help:

• Acknowledge his depression. 
• Offer your support. 
• Promote healthy living and self-care. 
• Focus on smaller, achievable daily goals. 
• Involve a doctor or mental health professional. 
• Report warning signs of suicide. 
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255.

Depression will go away.

​For most of us, asking for help can often be difficult. Yes, asking for advice on planting a garden is easy. But for a serious issue, such as your mental health, you may find that you don't want to admit to the problems you're facing.
It's not hard to understand why you may be reluctant. Admitting that you're struggling or feeling  overwhelmed is like admitting you're weak or inadequate. Many of us learned as children that it's important to be independent, strong and self-sufficient. That background makes it difficult to tell someone else that you're really not okay.
The result is that people often decide to just try and do the best they can by themselves. In some cases things might just turn out fine, though there are no guarantees. But going it alone could involve considerable amounts of stress and anxiety, and may even lead to bigger and more serious problems.
Another common option is to turn to family or friends. This can be a good idea if those you trust with your problems and fears are truly understanding and are able to offer meaningful support and help. Sometimes they can, but often times they just can't be objective enough.
If you're facing a difficult time or situation, something that's causing depression, high stress and anxiety, and is making it difficult or impossible for you to enjoy life, it may be time to seek out professional help. Doing so can be a difficult choice, since it means asking for help from a stranger, and usually will involve a fee.
However, realize that a professional counselor is someone who has gone through extensive training and has many tools to help those feeling overwhelmed and unsure of  how to go on. Despite the way it's often portrayed on TV, counseling is not something just for "crazy" people. Most counseling assists perfectly normal people who are simply facing issues and problems that are negatively affecting their lives.  There are no reasons to suffer emotional pain when licensed, professional counselors are available, willing and competent to help.
There are many ways to find a counselor.  You can ask a friend, your doctor or dentist, teacher or someone you respect to give you a referral.  Many communities have counseling centers.  If there is a resource at your job you can ask about the Employee Assistance Program. You can find a counselor by simply Googling "Find a Counselor".  There are many referral sites that you can search geographically and by topic, e.g., stress, anxiety, depression, marital conflict, parenting. ​
Asking for help is never a sign of weakness but rather of the strength to recognize when your problems are real and that you need help to do something about them.
​Here are some reasons NOT to ignore your Mental Health from the Cleveland Clinic as well as some signs to help you decide if you need professional help.
​​​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

Most of us, most of the time, want to be nice, to do what is asked and to please those asking for our help. We usually try to be accommodating at work, with our friends, and with our family members.
But sometimes, rather than replying, "Sure," when asked to do an inconvenient favor, or to take on a task beyond your abilities, it may make better sense to say, "No."
It can be difficult to just utter that simple "No." You want to look responsible, helpful and capable. However, the reality is that saying "Yes." to virtually every request can produce a variety of negative results.
Research has shown that the more difficulty someone has in saying "No," the more the person is likely to experience stress, burnout and possibly even depression.  Difficult requests are highly likely to make you feel frustrated or anxious, or even mad at yourself for saying "Yes." in the first place.
The key to saying "No." is to do it in a respectful and courteous manner.  It starts with understanding what your own boundaries are, and not being embarrassed to accept and keep those boundaries. When you see that a request is going to push you into a zone where you'll feel uncomfortable or not fully competent, it's important to make your feelings, and decision, clearly known.
Responding to a request with phrases like, "Gee, I'm not certain I can," makes it clear that you are not being straightforward about your decision. That's also true when your immediate response is to start apologizing or making excuses and explanations for why you can't do what's being requested.
Instead, first make sure that saying "No." is really the only alternative. Politely let the person know you would like to help, but first ask questions to clarify what is really needed. Perhaps there is a way that you can help that wasn't evident when your aid was initially requested. But if it turns out that "No." really is the only right answer, then state your decision clearly. Let the person know you're sorry you can't help, but that it just wouldn't work.
While you want to be helpful, it's important to recognize your own limitations, interests and capabilities. Stepping too far outside those comfort zones will leave you feeling anxious and frustrated, and probably won't be the best help available.
Setting boundaries, and keeping them so you are not manipulated into situations which could cause stress and resentment is a way to use your personal power in a kind and clear way.
Remember, "NO" is a complete sentence.
​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.
​

Listening is a skill which can be used to help improve relationships with family, friends and co-workers.
Listening is an important tool in relationships.  By listening carefully, we can usually tell what another person wants out of the relationship.
The purpose of listening is to focus on the other person and learn something about her or him.
We can all become better listeners:

• Decide that you want to listen to the other person
• Let the person know you are listening by making eye-contact.
• Silence encourages a person to share feelings and thoughts.  Don't be afraid of it.
• Listen without judging, not whether you agree or disagree, not whether the person is right or wrong.
• Try to understand what's being said and the underlying feelings.
• Do not think about anything other than what the person is saying.  Avoid thinking about your response.  When you think about your response you are listening to your inner voice and not listening to the other person.
• When the person is finished talking, acknowledge what you heard by paraphrasing what was said and reflecting the feelings you heard, explicitly, or between the lines.
• When we stop, focus and listen we tell other people they are important and what they have to say matters.
• Listening to another and showing understanding is one of the greatest gifts to offer.

This article from the New York Times explains how to become a better listener.

Everyone has difficulty falling asleep occasionally.  You can improve your sleep hygiene and reorganize your bedtime routines to create an external and internal environment which is more conducive to restful sleep.  
Here is a brief visualization called The Body Scan which can help release tension and quiet the mind.

• Lie on your back and make sure you are comfortable. Adjust your pillows and covers until you are totally comfortable.
• Close your eyes.
• Take some deep breaths and release stress as you exhale.
• Focus your attention on your toes and, without moving, visualize them melting into the mattress.
• Do the same with your insteps, heels, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, butt, spine (each vertebra individually), move upwards through each discreet muscle and body part.
• At each step/exhale tell yourself the story:  I am relaxing my toes, neck, shoulders, arms, etc., my toes are melting into the mattress, my body is releasing tension, I am ready for sleep.
• By the time you reach your head you may be drowsy and dropping-off.

Any repetitive tone or visual image can induce relaxation and sleep.  Mantras, prayers, counting sheep is an old-fashioned and effective remedy.  And don't forget what some "old wives" recommend; a cup of warm milk or chamomile tea can soothe the body and mind.
If your sleep is disturbed for many nights you may be experiencing insomnia which is habitual sleeplessness, wakefulness, restlessness.  Prolonged insomnia can have serious psychological and health problems.  If this is the case, consult a physician.
Researchers at Harvard have developed a list of 12 tips to promote better sleep.  Look them over.

An old adage says knowledge is power.  There is research evidence that writing is a powerful tool to promote living consciously and can improve mental and emotional life; help to cope with stress, anxiety and depression; dispel loneliness; make us more emotionally available to ourselves and others. 
I recommend writing, daily, to all my clients and give them the best-selling book by Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way.  Julia describes the process she calls “Morning Pages” for writing three pages, stream of consciousness, every morning without censoring, without worries about spelling or sentence structure, just what flows, spontaneously, from heart and mind. 
After several days or even weeks of whining and complaining something shifts; patterns and insights emerge which create opportunities to make different choices, small changes in daily living.  These decisions can enhance life experiences and diminish the problematic ones. 
Over time, the benefits add up to counteract symptoms of stress, depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders. 
Emotional benefits:

• Manage Stress.  Writing about what’s creating stress and anxiety in your life helps you to identify stressors and pinpoint what’s going on internally. And sometimes you just need to vent, even if it’s only on the page.
• Enhance emotional intelligence.  Writing about how you feel helps you interpret and make sense of your emotions.
• Improve communication skills. Learning to put your thoughts down on paper translates into a better ability to express yourself to others verbally.

Personal benefits:

• Set and achieve goals. Writing down your wishes and dreams signals to your brain that they are important and takes them one step closer to existence. Furthermore, organizing your thoughts into words helps prioritize projects and needs.
• Build self-discipline. Writing every day, even when you’re not necessarily in the mood to do so, strengthens your ability to stick to something on an ongoing basis. Therefore, you’re better able to do other things that require self-discipline.
• Assist in problem-solving. New perspectives become clear when you write—even if you’re not consciously trying to find solutions. Writing helps you look at a situation more objectively and from more than one point of view.
• Create empathy. Writing about an event or relationship helps you see more clearly what others might be feeling or thinking during your interactions with them.
• Become more aware of habits and patterns. What makes you happy? When do you feel most troubled? Writing regularly, and then reading what you’ve written over time, can help identify what creates or detracts from your well-being.
• Increase creativity. Writing prepares you to be creative in other areas of your life, as well as on the page. You learn to be creative in your approaches to dealing with pain, difficult emotions, and challenging relationships.

Writing also supports physical health.  In recent years, research has revealed that writing down your life experiences can create positive physiological changes.
To sum it up, writing makes you happier!
Check out this research summary from Harvard Healthbeat.

There are many factors that can have negative effects on us, but sometimes it's important to focus on those things that can actually improve the quality of our lives. Yes, exercise, eating right, and getting plenty of sleep all can contribute to better physical and mental health, but another even simpler antidote that is often overlooked is making sure to laugh frequently.
Laughing is a natural part of life. As infants, we started smiling within our first few weeks and were laughing out loud within just months. Unfortunately, as we get older and life gets more serious, the ability to laugh can sometimes be diminished. Fortunately, you can learn to laugh again regardless of age.
How does laughing help? In addition to adding joy to your life laughter can:

• Ease anxiety and reduce tension.  Laughter has been shown to be an important stress reducer.
• A good, strong laugh can even help relieve physical tension, leaving muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes.
• Experts say laughing releases endorphins, the body's "feel good" chemicals.
• Laughter also decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells, improving your body's resistance to disease.  
• One study in Norway found that people with a strong sense of humor tended to outlive those who didn't laugh as much.

So, how to get more laughter in your life?  Start with a smile. Smiling, whether to family, friends, co-workers or even to strangers on the street, sends out a positive message and makes you feel better, too. It's difficult to be smiling and in a bad mood at the same time. Plus, others will smile back, and that's also nice.
You can increase your laughter quota by searching out things that make you happy. Maybe it's playing with a small child or a family pet. Maybe it's taking the time to find a funny movie, TV show or a video on YouTube. Try reading a humorous book, or sharing a good joke or funny story with others. Read the comics, watch a comedian on TV, or have a night out at your local comedy club.  Yes, life can be serious and we can't always be laughing, but putting a little extra effort into trying to find the funny in your life can leave you feeling happier while providing real benefits to your physical health and mental well-being.​
Adapted from The American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

As a new school year begins many families reorganize their daily patterns.  Here are some ideas you can use to rethink schedules, chores and general discipline.
Getting children to do their chores does not make you a bad person.
When it comes to assigning children family chores, virtually all parents think it's a great idea.  But many  also find it can be a big hassle to get them to actually do the assigned work.
Yes, it may sometimes seem easier to just take out that bag of trash yourself than to get into a big argument with the children over whose turn it is, or why that simple job can't be done now. But what the experts advise is not to let such household responsibilities slide.
Having  your children do assigned chores can be an important factor in helping them develop in positive ways. Chores are a way for children to feel part of the family, and to gain a sense of contributing toward the family good. These early life lessons make it easier for a person to feel like an active, contributing member of society later in life.
Chores are also a means for learning about responsibility and meeting expectations, skills necessary for success in school and the workplace.  They may involve simple activities, like making a bed daily or helping with the family pet, but the lessons derived from successfully completing family chores carry over into later life.
Getting chores completed successfully, however, does require  planning and work on the part of parents.

• Make assignments that are appropriate for a child’s age and abilities so successful completion and positive experiences are most likely.
• Keep your expectations reasonable. If you are a perfectionist and criticize how every chore is done, you're setting your child up for failure, unable to meet your expectations. 
• Set realistic, attainable goals. Don't let children get away with little or no effort since that is teaching them to have their own low expectations and to question their abilities to do good work.
• Talk to your children about setting up a chore system.  Clearly explain responsibilities and what constitutes successful completion of a task. 
• Show them how to do the chore along with you, step-by-step, several times before expecting them to work on their own. 
• Develop rewards for work well done.  Ask your children what rewards would motivate them.
• Take the time to monitor chore activities and to offer honest praise for carrying out assigned tasks successfully.
• Evaluate the chore system periodically, rotate chores among children, reteach the proper sequence of work and model the level of effort.

Starting a child early in life to accept chores and do them well builds self-esteem and helps develop stronger life skills.
Here are some interesting articles from The New York Times, "Happy Children Do Chores", another one about providing motivation for children beyond rewards and punishments and one about not yelling.
Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

It doesn't always have to be a teen vs. parent fight.  Parents and teenagers are always going to disagree about some things. It's simply the nature of the beast.
You, as the parent, are the half of the relationship with experience, who knows the limits, who wants to protect your child and who hopes to help guide him or her in positive ways.
Your teenager is the half of the relationship who is not only dealing with physical and emotional changes, peer pressure, and the normal developmental growth of desiring more independence, but who has to also put up with all the rules, "those totally unfair rules", that you, the parent tend, to impose.
Yes, some conflict between parent and teen is inevitable, but there are things you can do to minimize the disagreements.

• Start by remembering that you are the adult. Stay in control. Your teen may be trying to act grown-up, but often realizes deep down that protection and guidance are needed. Children want to be reassured that their parents are still in control, helping to guide the teen's life and development.
• Most importantly, learn to listen! It’s easy to be the busy adult, ignoring or misunderstanding your child. Instead, remember your own teen years and try to understand what your child is feeling and trying to communicate.  Really listening to your child, understanding and respecting what is being expressed without being judgmental, can help strengthen and improve overall communication.
• You also want to set limits, but limits with options. Your teens may argue, but they also understand that there are always limits to what is allowed. Instead of being a dictator, offer options whenever possible that keep things within limits but do allow your teen some freedoms. Choices are important to a growing teen, even if sometimes the wrong choice might be made.
• You also want to build a relationship with your teen, not one where you are your teen's best friend, but rather one as an adult who can be depended upon and trusted. Get to know your child, his or her friends, interests and feelings. Let your child know that as an adult you have your own feelings, values and rights.

As teens move toward adulthood there will always be some conflicts and disagreements. But by respecting your child's growing maturity and independence, and showing you're aware of those changes, you can help build a more positive relationship for both of you.
​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.
​Here's some interesting insight into the adolescent brain from The New York Times and more about depression and anxiety in adolescents.