​​May is Mental Health Awareness Month and it's time to talk about confronting the stigma around therapy.  Many people would benefit from therapy but won't choose it because they feel ashamed and weak when confronted with emotional difficulties.  There is no shame in seeking professional help for emotional difficulties anymore than there is to visit a medical doctor for your physical health.
Physical and Mental Health are entwined.  Ignoring either can lead to greater difficulties.  Early intervention is the key to dealing with both physical and mental problems.
Men are particularly at risk from not talking about emotional issues.  Men can perceive themselves as weak and inferior for feeling anxious, depressed, angry, overwhelmed and other uncomfortable emotions.  Stuffing feelings down or ignoring them can be dangerous to functioning in relationships, can interfere with concentration at work, contribute to fatigue, irritability.
​Here are some excerpts from an article by Sean Evans, "Not Talking About Mental Health is Literally Killing Men",  May 2, 2018.


"Your mental health is inseparable from your physical health. Not a revolutionary concept, but what is astounding is the stigmatization that still surrounds men who dare to talk about their emotional struggles.
Men who are vocal about any kind of mental issues can be dismissed as weak.  As inferior.  As flawed, broken guys who are more likely to be ostracized for their honesty, instead of rewarded for their bravery.  Instead of affording a fellow man compassion, we mock, belittle, and turn a blind eye. We freely spit the phrase, 'Man up', as though your gender alone should suffice to guide you through your darkest times.
Or worse the response can be 'Well, that sucks', then change the subject because talking about feelings is just too real.
What’s real is the fact that 9 percent of men experience depression.  That’s more than 6 million men.  More than 3 million men struggle with anxiety, daily.  Of the 3.5 million people diagnosed as schizophrenic by the age of 30, more than 90 percent are men.  An estimated 10 million men in the U.S. will suffer from an eating disorder in their lifetime.  One in five men will develop and alcohol dependency over a lifetime.  Male suicide is rising at such an alarming rate that it’s been classified as a 'silent epidemic.'  It’s the seventh leading cause of death for males.  That’s a staggering statistic. 
It’s okay to feel depressed.  It’s okay to feel overwhelmed.  It’s okay to be sad.  It’s okay to be anxious. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to not have everything figured out, to feel a wave of uncertainty come crashing over you and not know which way is up, or when your next gulp of air will come. These are perfectly normal feelings that every man experiences.  And it’s okay to talk about it.  What’s not okay is suffering in silence."  You can read the full article here.
Freud called therapy the Talking Cure.  It's time to talk!
Here are some misconceptions about therapy which may block someone from seeking help.

​Good Mental Health is no different than good physical health.  In fact, good mental health contributes to better physical health.
​Seeing a physician isn't embarrassing if we have the flu, a high fever, or other serious health problems.  No one will criticize you for seeking medical help for a physical health problem and, indeed, most people would fault you if you didn't seek medical help.
Yet we often find that mental health issues bring a very different reaction.  People sometimes see mental illness not as a health issue, but as a character flaw, a serious defect, something that marks a person as weak, unstable, perhaps even violent or dangerous.
Such reactions have serious consequences for millions of Americans who could be healthier and happier if they were receiving the mental health help readily available.  But many don't seek such help out of fear of being "labeled" with a mental illness, feeling family and friends won't understand, or that it could lead to discrimination at work or school.
Too many people who could use help instead see their condition as a sign of personal weakness. They may mistakenly believe that they should be able to control whatever is wrong without outside help.
Please, work to correct this misinformation and encourage people to seek needed treatment.  For example, researchers estimate that one in eight U.S. adolescents is suffering from depression.  Each day an estimated 3,000 young people in grades 9 to 12 attempt suicide, yet only 30% of young people facing mental health issues ever receive any type of treatment or intervention. This lack of treatment helps lead to more than 4,600 suicides by young people each year. The statistics are even scarier among senior citizens and our military veterans.
What you can do:

• Speak up.  Tell people if you have had treatment and how valuable it was just as you would share that an MD treated you for blood pressure, cholesterol, digestive problems, heart conditions, etc.
• Ask your schools to teach a module on emotional intelligence at all grade levels each year.  This could empower students to be assertive, learn empathy, and decrease incidents of bullying.
• If you see a relative or friend in distress don't shy away, instead, suggest psychotherapy as an option and share your own experiences.
• Do some research and study in improving communication, parenting techniques, conflict resolution and bring these skills into your family and work situations.
• Consider scheduling a weekly Family Meeting where all members can feel safe to discuss issues and generate solutions to influence family dynamics toward more cohesion, trust and contentment.  Even infants and toddlers attend!

It's vital for people to recognize that mental health issues are not a reason for shame, but rather a condition that requires treatment by a professional. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, eating disorders, social phobias and similar problems are not a sign of personal weakness.  They are simply conditions that, when treated successfully, can result in a happier, healthier and more productive life.
If you or someone you know is suffering from a mental health issue, don't give in to the stigma, but rather take action for better health.  Talk to a friend or family members about what's bothering you and look into assistance from a mental health professional.  Seeking mental health help is not a weakness; it's as logical and right as seeing a doctor for the flu.
Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.
​Here are some misconceptions about Couples' Therapy.

Most of us, most of the time, want to be nice, to do what is asked and to please those asking for our help. We usually try to be accommodating at work, with our friends, and with our family members.
But sometimes, rather than replying, "Sure," when asked to do an inconvenient favor, or to take on a task beyond your abilities, it may make better sense to say, "No."
It can be difficult to just utter that simple "No." You want to look responsible, helpful and capable. However, the reality is that saying "Yes." to virtually every request can produce a variety of negative results.
Research has shown that the more difficulty someone has in saying "No," the more the person is likely to experience stress, burnout and possibly even depression.  Difficult requests are highly likely to make you feel frustrated or anxious, or even mad at yourself for saying "Yes." in the first place.
The key to saying "No." is to do it in a respectful and courteous manner.  It starts with understanding what your own boundaries are, and not being embarrassed to accept and keep those boundaries. When you see that a request is going to push you into a zone where you'll feel uncomfortable or not fully competent, it's important to make your feelings, and decision, clearly known.
Responding to a request with phrases like, "Gee, I'm not certain I can," makes it clear that you are not being straightforward about your decision. That's also true when your immediate response is to start apologizing or making excuses and explanations for why you can't do what's being requested.
Instead, first make sure that saying "No." is really the only alternative. Politely let the person know you would like to help, but first ask questions to clarify what is really needed. Perhaps there is a way that you can help that wasn't evident when your aid was initially requested. But if it turns out that "No." really is the only right answer, then state your decision clearly. Let the person know you're sorry you can't help, but that it just wouldn't work.
While you want to be helpful, it's important to recognize your own limitations, interests and capabilities. Stepping too far outside those comfort zones will leave you feeling anxious and frustrated, and probably won't be the best help available.
Setting boundaries, and keeping them so you are not manipulated into situations which could cause stress and resentment is a way to use your personal power in a kind and clear way.
Remember, "NO" is a complete sentence.
​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.
​

Disappointment comes to everyone. Adults have learned through repeated exposure that when people or activities may sometimes let us down, we can keep such things in perspective and find ways to overcome our dashed hopes.
But for children, disappointment can come in numerous forms. Even a seemingly minor hurt can often seem like such a complete disaster that the child truly has a difficult time accepting and dealing with it. And, in many cases, such as when a beloved pet dies or a close friend moves away, the hurt can be very real and deep and won't disappear easily.
While responding to childhood disappointments can seem difficult, there are good ways to do it. 
You can make a child feel less sad, avoid more serious emotional issues, and, when you respond well, help open communication that can strengthen the child/parent/teacher relationship.
How do you begin to respond to a child's disappointment?

• Listening is step one. Don't minimize or discount the story your child has to tell, even if it seems trivial to you. It's very real to your child, and a responses such as, "That's no big deal," or, "You'll forget about it by tomorrow," or, "Big boys don't cry," only serve to convince your child that the feelings are invalid; that you don't really understand or even care.
• Don't hurry in with a pleasant experience or reward to make the hurt go away. This can establish flawed coping patterns that carry over into adulthood and can present very real future problems.
• Talk "with" your child, rather than "to" her or him . Don't begin an interrogation when something seems wrong but instead tell him or her in a gentle way that you've noticed they're unhappy and encourage them to tell you what has happened.
• Don't be judgmental about what is being reported but instead offer sympathy and understanding. Let your child know you empathize because you've suffered your own disappointments. Don't try to top your child's story, but instead listen and sympathize. Just being able to share can do much to minimize the hurt.

In some cases, being a good listener may not be enough. If you notice a persistent change in behavior over time, and if your child is refusing to talk about what's wrong, it may be appropriate to seek help from a trained professional counselor who specializes in childhood issues. Your child's school counselor is always a good place to start.
​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

​For most of us, asking for help can often be difficult. Yes, asking for advice on planting a garden is easy. But for a serious issue, such as your mental health, you may find that you don't want to admit to the problems you're facing.
It's not hard to understand why you may be reluctant. Admitting that you're struggling or feeling  overwhelmed is like admitting you're weak or inadequate. Many of us learned as children that it's important to be independent, strong and self-sufficient. That background makes it difficult to tell someone else that you're really not okay.
The result is that people often decide to just try and do the best they can by themselves. In some cases things might just turn out fine, though there are no guarantees. But going it alone could involve considerable amounts of stress and anxiety, and may even lead to bigger and more serious problems.
Another common option is to turn to family or friends. This can be a good idea if those you trust with your problems and fears are truly understanding and are able to offer meaningful support and help. Sometimes they can, but often times they just can't be objective enough.
If you're facing a difficult time or situation, something that's causing depression, high stress and anxiety, and is making it difficult or impossible for you to enjoy life, it may be time to seek out professional help. Doing so can be a difficult choice, since it means asking for help from a stranger, and usually will involve a fee.
However, realize that a professional counselor is someone who has gone through extensive training and has many tools to help those feeling overwhelmed and unsure of  how to go on. Despite the way it's often portrayed on TV, counseling is not something just for "crazy" people. Most counseling assists perfectly normal people who are simply facing issues and problems that are negatively affecting their lives.  There are no reasons to suffer emotional pain when licensed, professional counselors are available, willing and competent to help.
There are many ways to find a counselor.  You can ask a friend, your doctor or dentist, teacher or someone you respect to give you a referral.  Many communities have counseling centers.  If there is a resource at your job you can ask about the Employee Assistance Program. You can find a counselor by simply Googling "Find a Counselor".  There are many referral sites that you can search geographically and by topic, e.g., stress, anxiety, depression, marital conflict, parenting. ​
Asking for help is never a sign of weakness but rather of the strength to recognize when your problems are real and that you need help to do something about them.
​Here are some reasons NOT to ignore your Mental Health from the Cleveland Cllinic.
​​​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.

People use three basic responses to conflict.  Fight, Submit, Flee.  These can be used creatively but sometimes we get stuck in using just one strategy; become rigid and defensive and feel trapped and powerless.  There is a fourth strategy, Resolution which can be learned and is mutually beneficial.

• Fight: "I'm right, you're wrong."  Fighting is trying to impose your preferred solution or opinion onto another by insisting, blaming, criticizing, accusing, shouting, or using force.  OR you can calmly stand up for your own rights and beliefs by using appropriate measures such as your words in direct "I" statements.  "I feel..., I think..., I need..., I want...".
• Submit:  "I'm wrong, you're right."  You can yield by lowering your expectations and settling for less by giving in, giving up, agreeing to just end the conflict or surrendering to what the other person wants.  OR you can calmly stand up for your own rights and beliefs by using appropriate measures such as your words in direct "I" statements.  There are times when you are wrong and it's appropriate to admit it.  There are also times when faced with a more powerful force submission may be appropriate.
• Flee:  "I don't care who is right, I'm gone."  You can withdraw by ceasing to talk, retreating to your own thoughts, leaving emotionally, changing the topic, physically leaving the scene.  OR you can calmly stand up for your own rights and beliefs by using appropriate measures such as your words in direct "I" statements.  When emotion goes up, cognition goes down and it's sometimes useful to leave a heated discussion and take a time-out to let emotions subside, to organize thoughts, formulate "I" statements, "I feel..., I think..., I need..., I want...".   Then return to the discussion, calmly, with clarity.  
• Resolution:  "We both have a piece of the truth.  Let's work it out."  We can learn to listen to each other, to state our feelings, thoughts, needs and desires and to hear those from another person.  With mutual respect, listening and talking, and expressing our feelings using "I" statements we can remain in the struggle long enough to digest what's happened, problem-solve, and pursue alternatives that satisfy both and come up with solutions.

​

Listening is a skill which can be used to help improve relationships with family, friends and co-workers.
Listening is an important tool in relationships.  By listening carefully, we can usually tell what another person wants out of the relationship.
The purpose of listening is to focus on the other person and learn something about her or him.
We can all become better listeners:

• Decide that you want to listen to the other person
• Let the person know you are listening by making eye-contact.
• Silence encourages a person to share feelings and thoughts.  Don't be afraid of it.
• Listen without judging, not whether you agree or disagree, not whether the person is right or wrong.
• Try to understand what's being said and the underlying feelings.
• Do not think about anything other than what the person is saying.  Avoid thinking about your response.  When you think about your response you are listening to your inner voice and not listening to the other person.
• When the person is finished talking, acknowledge what you heard by paraphrasing what was said and reflecting the feelings you heard, explicitly, or between the lines.
• When we stop, focus and listen we tell other people they are important and what they have to say matters.
• Listening to another and showing understanding is one of the greatest gifts to offer.

It doesn't always have to be a teen vs. parent fight.  Parents and teenagers are always going to disagree about some things. It's simply the nature of the beast.
You, as the parent, are the half of the relationship with experience, who knows the limits, who wants to protect your child and who hopes to help guide him or her in positive ways.
Your teenager is the half of the relationship who is not only dealing with physical and emotional changes, peer pressure, and the normal developmental growth of desiring more independence, but who has to also put up with all the rules, "those totally unfair rules", that you, the parent tend, to impose.
Yes, some conflict between parent and teen is inevitable, but there are things you can do to minimize the disagreements.

• Start by remembering that you are the adult. Stay in control. Your teen may be trying to act grown-up, but often realizes deep down that protection and guidance are needed. Children want to be reassured that their parents are still in control, helping to guide the teen's life and development.
• Most importantly, learn to listen! It’s easy to be the busy adult, ignoring or misunderstanding your child. Instead, remember your own teen years and try to understand what your child is feeling and trying to communicate.  Really listening to your child, understanding and respecting what is being expressed without being judgmental, can help strengthen and improve overall communication.
• You also want to set limits, but limits with options. Your teens may argue, but they also understand that there are always limits to what is allowed. Instead of being a dictator, offer options whenever possible that keep things within limits but do allow your teen some freedoms. Choices are important to a growing teen, even if sometimes the wrong choice might be made.
• You also want to build a relationship with your teen, not one where you are your teen's best friend, but rather one as an adult who can be depended upon and trusted. Get to know your child, his or her friends, interests and feelings. Let your child know that as an adult you have your own feelings, values and rights.

As teens move toward adulthood there will always be some conflicts and disagreements. But by respecting your child's growing maturity and independence, and showing you're aware of those changes, you can help build a more positive relationship for both of you.
​Adapted from American Counseling Association’s Counseling Corner Blog.
​Here's some interesting insight into the adolescent brain from The New York Times and more about depression and anxiety in adolescents.

During a busy schedule you can find yourself transitioning from one task, activity, or group to another without taking a breath.  Your stress escalates and accumulates and you may not be at your best.  It's good to pause for a minute to bring your stress level closer to your baseline before proceeding.
Here's a quick, 30-60 second, exercise to put you back in touch with your Best Self.

• Find a quiet corner where you can stand comfortably.
• Close your eyes and inhale deeply.
• Visualize your Best Self.  Where are you?  What are you wearing?  See yourself as onlookers would.  Feel your body relax into your Best Self.  Inhale deeply.  Soak up this image. 
• Take one, small step forward into this image to embody it.
• Feel your competence and confidence.
• Return to your hectic business feeling refreshed.
• Smile.
• Repeat at the next transition.

​

Everyone has difficulty falling asleep occasionally.  You can improve your sleep hygiene and reorganize your bedtime routines to create an external and internal environment which is more conducive to restful sleep.  
Here is a brief visualization called The Body Scan which can help release tension and quiet the mind.

• Lie on your back and make sure you are comfortable. Adjust your pillows and covers until you are totally comfortable.
• Close your eyes.
• Take some deep breaths and release stress as you exhale.
• Focus your attention on your toes and, without moving, visualize them melting into the mattress.
• Do the same with your insteps, heels, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, butt, spine (each vertebra individually), move upwards through each discreet muscle and body part.
• At each step tell yourself the story:  I am relaxing my toes, neck, shoulders, arms, etc., my toes are melting into the mattress, my body is releasing tension, I am ready for sleep.
• By the time you reach your head you may be drowsy and dropping-off.

Any repetitive tone or visual image can induce relaxation and sleep.  Mantras, prayers, counting sheep which is an old-fashioned and effective remedy.  And don't forget what some "old wives" recommend; a cup of warm milk or chamomile tea can soothe the body and mind.
If your sleep is disturbed for many nights you may be experiencing insomnia which is habitual sleeplessness, wakefulness, restlessness.  Prolonged insomnia can have serious psychological and health problems.  If this is the case, consult a physician.
Researchers at Harvard have developed a list of 12 tips to promote better sleep.  Look them over.